I was going to do an F1 half-term report to begin with on this, but I figured I’d do a MotoGP one first because…well, there aren’t as many competitors, so it’s less for me to do. Ha!

And without further ado, here’s:

Alright, settle down, MotoGP class of ’11. I’ve returned from my weekend job as a stereotypical mad professor lookalike model to bring you all your report cards as you go happy to the holidays. I shall deliver them in championship order:

Casey Stoner
Casey has shown a remarkable turnaround in form since his move to Repsol Honda, and is riding with a confident, crowd-pleasing, intelligent manner. He is clearly enjoying his new-found freedom with this bike rather than his previous Ducati, which had a tendancy to collapse like it was suddenly made of cardboard at random moments. He is nonetheless quite cheeky and he needs to see me about his snide remarks about former top-of-the-class pupils and this silly notion about not going to Japan later this year because he fears he’ll grow a third armpit. Grade: A

Jorge Lorenzo
Our star pupil of 2010 has developed a terrible attitude this season when things haven’t been going his way. His temper tantrums in the Yamaha garage are definitely something I shall need to keep an eye on. However, it is good to see he’s using this pent-up energy to channel into something productive, and his performances have largely been outstanding, apart from when he fell off the shallow end at Silverstone Swimming Baths, fortunately without injury. Is also sulking about the proposed trip to Japan. Grade: A

Andrea Dovizioso
Sorry, there’s another Repsol Honda boy? Oh yes, my apologies- dear young Dovi. So easy to overlook this lad, but he’s done rather well for himself despite being pretty anonymous much of the time. Solid, if not spectacular, I believe they say. Who are we talking about again? Grade: B

Dani Pedrosa
Dear, fragile Dani Pedrosa. I do wonder if this accident-prone youngster is suitable for this sport usually tailored for the ruffians. I had heard he broke his nose and jaw last time he sneezed, but that might’ve just been playground banter. It’s a terrible shame, because he can ride a bike, but whether this 12oz boy can cut the mustard consistently remains to be seen. Grade: B+

Valentino Rossi
Goodness, what’s happened to our former head boy? I had hoped his move to the Ducati house would sort out their decline, but it appears to have simply accelerated. As such, this lad has been riding like a nervous chihuahua for much of the year, and even an attempt to close up the gap to his classmates by getting sneak previews from next year’s textbooks on to his current schoolwork hasn’t worked. I’m at a loss, quite frankly, and I’m sure he is too. Grade: C

Ben Spies
It was so pleasing to see this droll figure break into a smile after collecting his inaugural win in fine style on our expedition to Holland. He’s really beginning to settle in nicely now that he’s acclimatised from that other school known as ‘Superbikes’, but he now needs to up his game to compete with his fellow housemate Lorenzo. Grade: B+

Nicky Hayden
It has been yet another outstandingly average year so far for this likeable chap. Taking Ducati’s first top-three of the season was a nice coup and raised a cheer in school assembly early in the year, but overall there’s that same lack of progress that’s been all too apparent since 2007. Must try harder! Grade: C

Colin Edwards
A most welcome upturn in form from the veteran school star, who nonetheless needs to wash his mouth out, particularly when performing on stage. Although this school recognises he is closer to the end of his term than the beginning, he has performed impressively. Grade: B-

Hiroshi Aoyoma
A rough season for Mr Aoyoma this year, but he has been quiet, conscientious and generally got the job done, consistently doing his best to avoid being bottom of the class. Has defied odds to outscore his Honda team-mate, so that earns a ‘good work’ sticker from me. Grade: C+

Marco Simoncelli
SEE ME. Bad behaviour and clumsy riding will not be tolerated in this school, as you well know, Simoncelli. There is clearly some talent within you, but this must be applied by remembering that races last about 45 minutes, not 5. And GET A HAIRCUT. Grade: E.

Hector Barbera
There is a certain charm to this boy- while other classmates can produce a set of laps with remarkable consistency, I have been impressed by Barbera’s creative approach to corners; never seemingly taking the same line twice. Innovative work, yet doesn’t always produce the fine results. Grade: C-

Karel Abraham
Bullied outside the school gates because of being seen as a rich dad’s kid, Abraham has equipped himself well and silenced many with a well-considered portfolio of mature rides. Would like to see more of this potential realised in the remaining races. Grade: C

Alvaro Bautista
I have displayed great sympathy for Bautista’s work, as he comes in with a pencil that doesn’t work too well, a scratched pencilcase and a satchel which has seen better days. But he has shrugged off his outdated equipment to put in some fine performances. Grade: C-

Toni Elias
This boy just isn’t trying. Grade: E-

Cal Crutchlow
I’m shocked and disapponted to find this clearly talented young rider down this far in our league table. He needs to finish what he starts or he will face all sorts of problems down the line. I expect to see this boy move up to the top 10, and should start delivering. Grade: D

Loris Capirossi
I’m a kindly professor, and sometimes feel if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say it at all. So… (Grade: F)

Randy De Puniet
Er, ditto. Grade: F

*Foreign exchange students*
John Hopkins
It is fantastic to see this fellow back in our school gates, after he was unceremoniously removed from our school during a more unsavoury period we needn’t dwell on. Hopkins has learned many new skills while studying in Great Britain, and I’m sure he is looking forward, like we are, to him putting in another star showing from the Czech Republic.

Kousoke Akiyoshi
Akiyoshi, we hardly knew ye.